Mike the movie sage -
I have a confession to make. I'm Canadian but I kind of hate Canadian film.
When you finally see something made by Canucks, it's usually boring and pretentious. That is if it isn't weird, nonsensical and artsy. The genre stuff most of us crave is extremely rare and it unfortunately usually stars Paul Gross.
But I was legitimately excited (for the first time ever) to see a Canadian flick when I heard about the Sundance hit Splice. From the director of the snazzy but gimmicky horror treat Cube, the film's got a wickedly timely and creepy premise about the dangers of mixing animal and human DNA. And with a budget around $30 mil, it could afford the effects necessary to pull it off without constantly cutting away from the scares.
Well sadly I must report that Splice is a clunker of horrific proportions. It may think of itself as sci-fi horror, but don't expect to be frightened, except perhaps by the unnerving reality that somebody out there thought the movie's inept plot was a good one.
Sure, the first act or so is kind of disturbing (in a good way), but it quickly devolves into a meandering mess where the characters make ridiculous choices involving such fun things as bestiality and/or incest.
Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley are Clive and Elsa, hot shot geneticists about to have their long-term romance tested by science. As a couple, they have managed to splice various forms of animal life resulting in intriguing aberrations that can be harvested for their helpful proteins.
Unfortunately when their humourless French-Canadian boss nixes their request to throw human DNA into the mix, they decide to experiment anyway.
The creation is a bizarre hybrid of cat-like, kangaroo-like and human-like features, with a deadly stinger thrown in for good horror measures. It rattles the lab equipment, adores jump scares but also just wants to be loved. Too bad Clive and Elsa have would-be parenting issues. She's a control freak disciplinary and he's emotionally distant, that is until the creature grows up, looks vaguely like a supermodel and has a bad case of the Electra Complex.
In the early stages, Splice is intriguing and haunting. It explores issues of modern parenting (he wants to have a baby the old-fashioned way, she's more gung-ho feminist and wants to do it the genetic engineering way) and the dangers of playing God in the lab. Then the Canadian scriptwriting kicks in and instead of fulfilling the promise of the genre, it goes off the deep end and becomes pornography for the fetish crowd. Unintentional laughs abound as Elsa and Clive make inane choices to serve the wonky story and the audience will breathe a sigh of relief when the credits finally roll.
Its tragic to experience yet another Canadian cinematic turd, but hopefully this will send a message to producers. Creature feature plus bestiality equals not a good time at the show.
SPLICE
Starring: Adrian Brody, Sarah Polley and Delphine Chaneac Director: Vincenzo Natali
Rating: Two stars and a half out of five
